(What if Firefighter was Bad title graphic)

Once upon a time there was a universe. In this universe there were many galaxies. One of these galaxies was "The Milky Way." In this Milky Way there was an Earth. On this Earth there were many countries. One of these countries was the United States. One of these states was Legoland. One of the heroes in Legoland was a firefighter. In this firefighter there were thoughts of saving people. In these thoughts there was success. In this success there was rejoicing. In this rejoicing there were speeches.

But let us turn our attention back to the firefighter. Once he was listening to a radio. It announced that Mechanical Man was making havoc. Firefighter Free went to investigate (the firefighter's name was "Free"). Free leaped in through the window, and landed on top of Mechanical Man, who shrugged him off. Mechanical Man grabbed a gas bomb as Free put on his smoke mask. Free turned on his high-pressure hose. It knocked Mechanical Man into a mess of wires on one of his machines. The wires disrupted Mechanical Man's mechanical suit. Mechanical Man was put off-balance by that. The firefighter tied up Mechanical Man with a rope which he used instead of a ladder.

But this is what leads to the question: What if Firefighter was bad? In the alternate world where this happened, Free sees that Mechanical Man spots him at the window. As the firefighter turns to head for the door, he was still in one place, and was an easy target for Mechanical Man's will ray. As soon as the mysterious ray hit the firefighter, he obeyed Mechanical Man's every will.


"It's beginning to get boring around here," said Astroboy. "Nothing happens any more."

"I agree," said Wheelie. "Don't you agree, Firey-Flame?" (AKA a dragon)

"Quite correct, I have the same opinion," said Shark-Killer Sea.

"I'm hungry," said Pizza Girl. "I guess I'll make a pizza."

"Just a minute," said Ship-Legs, "my over-the-world radio has detected a firefighter rampage in New Mexico."

"Let's get moving," said Meteor Man, "me and Ship-Legs will follow behind the Defenders' helicopter."

"Come on!" shouted Astroboy cheerfully.


Just as Firefighter Free had finished his third job (by robbing a radio store of its radios), he heard a strange whirring noise. It was the Defenders' helicopter. The helicopter's wind knocked Free over. Radios went crashing everywhere. Free's tripping accidentally triggered his hose. Ship-legs put up his shield against it. The water bounced off the shield and went spraying into Free's eyes. Free was so busy in wiping his eyes that he couldn't make a move to stop the dragon from picking him up in the dragon's feet. Then the dragon, the Defender helicopter, Meteor Man and Ship-legs headed towards the police department.


"It's past an hour, he should have returned by now. No matter, I must find myself another Lackey." Suddenly Mechanical Man heard "No way you will, Mister, because HULK WILL SMASH!!!" as the green-skinned brute crashed through the wall.

"The Inedible Hulk?!?!" stammered Mechanical Man.

"But wait, there's more! Now how much would you pay?" said a following-up Meteor Man.

"Hey, don't touch that dial," shouted Pizza Girl.

"Here, have a cabbage or two!" added Vegetable Woman.

"I'll smash that puny gun of yours," said the Hulk, and smashed the will gun. That very moment, Free came back to his senses. In one spear-throw Meteor Man smashed Mechanical Man's battle vest.


"Wherever am I? What am I doing in a dungeon cell? Last thing I remember, I was looking in the window of Mechanical Man's house -- it's like a spell has been cast over me! Oh God, somebody help me!" Free said as he looked around the jail.

Back in Mechanical Man's house, Mechanical Man said, "That won't help you -- I can summon my greatest creation of all -- Abomisation!"

"Won't help you," said Pizza Girl. "not while I can cheese up your mouth (and the rest of your body as well) so you won't be able to call this laughing sensation of yours!" Now the Defenders (and the Inedible Hulk) put Mechanical Man in jail and freed Free.

The End


Copyright © 1995 Samuel Dashiell Shemitz
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